“The problem with having a problem… is that someone always has it worse”

PTSD is something that happens to service members that go off to war…. Right? The ones that deal with the constant stress, the loss of loved ones, the constant fear, and most of all the aftermath. They are our “heroes”! The ones that sacrifice it all so that we may live free! So when they return we try our hardest to take care of them. The ones that seek help at least, to those that finally break down enough and know there is no other choice. Men like my ex-husband. Men that are so broken, so wounded, so ridden by survivor’s guilt that they contemplate taking their own life daily. I remember my therapist telling me months ago “You have PTSD” and I remember laughing and thinking “No, no…. that’s my EX not ME! Reread your file lady” I remember thinking, I suffer from Anxiety, NOT PTSD. I’ve never suffered trauma like that, I was a lucky child and young adult.

FAST FORWARD-A week after this conversation, I recall being woken up at 3am, covered in sweat, screaming….. the look on my boyfriend’s face….. Startled, confused, and worried. It was then he asked “what were you dreaming about?” my response… “I don’t know just a nightmare.”  The truth…. I was having a nightmare like the ones I’ve had many times before… My Ex-husband…. Dead. Him giving up on life, survivors guilt won… he’s lying on the floor of the bathroom… shot. Only this time, in this dream, he decided to take my boys with him. But how could I tell him that? How do you tell someone who loves you that you are so far gone and crazy and scared of the dark thoughts in your head for no reason. Or worse…. You now fear that this plague that has caused the loss of your entire family has now plagued you as well. Where does this end? When does the fear go away? I return the next week and tell my therapist, I’ve been having nightmares, but I minimize it. Because denial is a nice place to be, it’s comfortable here. So how do you develop PTSD without ever going through trauma of your own? Easy. 7 months go by, you answer ever phone call, you watch the news, you mail packages, and you spend day and night worried you will get a visit or a phone call saying “He’s gone…” And then when he finally comes home, relief right? HELL NO. This is the beginning of your nightmare. Now you will spend your every night listening for his every move. When he gets up, when he checks the doors, windows, when he checks on your kids. Every movement means DANGER. And when once you had no fear, the world is now a scary place. If the man who is your family’s protector, your rock, your place to lean on, is scared of the world… then I guess I should be scared to. So he “prepares you” he teaches you how to shoot a gun, how to come up with a safety plan in case something happens…. How to load and reload quickly…. And most important “DON’T YOU DARE MISS YOUR TARGET” but wait….. What am I scared of? Hell at this point you don’t even know anymore. And so your life begins to change….. Ever watch a loved one slowly die? Well imagine living every day thinking this is your husbands last day on earth, and tonight or tomorrow you will have to tell his children that they no longer have a father. So you begin to prep your speech… and his obituary. Only the day never comes. So you live day to day waiting for your loved one to take their last breath…. Can you imagine that?

And that is how. That is how you catch this plague called PTSD.

Love you all,



Karma! What took you so long?!

Interesting the way the world works, you ever sit and wonder what happens to all those people that do us wrong? When does karma come pay them a visit? I’ve been wondering this lately. See for me, moving on in a new relationship is so difficult. I mean think about it? There is no guarantee that I wont marry someone like my ex, or that with time he wont turn into someone like my ex. My therapist says this is when “risk” comes in, because every relationship requires a risk. My therapist also told me to flush my Xanax, I mean what a waste! She’s clearly not invited to any parties in my near future! With that said, she offers me great advice, I will never have a guarantee that a relationship will work out. The shitty part about this situation is that I didn’t do anything to deserve being in this position anyway. This starting over crap, this is all D’s doing, hes the one that destroyed everything good in his path. And while he went on his life being a lying, drunken cheater, well I had to figure out how to pick up the pieces of the shattered person he left behind. I’ve come a long way, I can look at myself in the mirror now and see this new woman. A much stronger, wiser, but also angrier and colder woman. But none the less this is who hes turned me into, this is what his actions have done to me. That doesn’t mean that I don’t miss who I used to be, because lord knows I do. She was kind, and loving, a hopeless romantic, she was a giver, unselfish, and god she loved that man so much…. I miss that girl, that idiot who gave all she had to a man who didn’t value who she was. But at least that girl had something to give. This one… well she can only hand over pieces of herself now. Fucked up broken pieces. So what price does he pay? or does anyone who causes so much hurt onto someone? Well it may take sometime for karma to come pay a visit, but oh when it arrives…. it arrives. Ever wonder why things aren’t going as planned? legal trouble? seeing your kid less than 100% of their life? or the kicker, the one you cheated with has no intention of ever marrying you? I mean this surprises you? because it doesn’t surprise me! It’s like the side hoe who expects the man to leave his wife and marry her, even if he leaves her he sure as hell isn’t gonna marry the hoe! Men like women aren’t stupid, I would never marry a man who had an affair with me while he was married. I mean if you’re a lying cheating whore (male or female) the other person engaging in your disgusting acts knows this about you. So don’t be shocked when they hit you with a ” I never want to get married, don’t believe in it, or I’m not ready” its all a kind way of saying “you aren’t worthy of making an honest woman or man out of, because I’ve seen your true whoreish ways, and you disgust me” So all we can do is move forward and enjoy the show, enjoy karma giving them what they deserve. As for me, well I’ll find someone who takes the pieces of my fucked up self and considers them enough for now. And so should you dear readers.

“See while you were busy turning the page….. I was busy burning the entire book”

I love you all,


The Apple Doesn’t Fall Too Far From The Tree You See!

Why is parenting so tough? I have no idea. What I have come to realize is that being a parent requires you to be completely unselfish, even when human nature tells you to be selfish. Simple things like putting them first, putting your wants last, making sure they are happy, keeping your vows in that marriage for the sake of them having a happy home, there is so much self sacrifice that comes with being a parent. Not to mention the children’s movies and TV shows….. so many damn shows! I mean come the fuck on?! a woman can only take so much YouTube, minecraft, call of duty, ninja fucking whatever! AAHHHHH! But we do it, we continue to unselfishly engage in annoying ass things for the sake of our children. However, children remain ungrateful little assholes! its like an abusive relationship, we give and give and give, and they basically give us the finger…. little fuckers. But you love these little fuckers. I would die and kill for my little fuckers. So where does a woman or a man learn to be this way? I think its the type of life you were given as a child. I’ve never spoken about my mother on here and while she is not perfect that woman is hell on heels. I like many other children am a product of divorced parents. My father who I loved more than anything on this planet made the stupid selfish dick decision to cheat on my mother. However I didn’t know this until many years later, at the time I was 12. And according to my parents a “child” and “children” shouldn’t know about adult problems. Well guess what assholes! I had a right to know! I spent so many years  being angry at my mother for kicking my dad out of the house. I felt it was her fault I didn’t have a family. Only to find out years later, my dad was a selfish ass cheater, and I took my anger and resentment out on my mother. All I can say about that is, I was worth the truth mom and dad! I was worth the truth! So as the years went on I disliked my mother, she had a short leash on me, she was never the “cool” mom, she never let me go out and party. She was the type of mom that always called the other parents to see if they would be home, she was the type to walk me to the door. God I hated her lol!! Now looking back I see what she was doing. She loved me enough to try and keep me out of trouble, which she did. I also understand something now I didn’t back then. My mom NEVER dated when I was a pre-teen and full blown teenager. EVER. I now as a mother and after many talks with her understand her unselfish decision. My mother was very clear, she chose to NOT date any man, for the sole reason of protecting her daughter. Protecting me from what? was my initial question. The answer to her was simple, ” I was protecting you from men, perverted, sick men. The risk was too high for me. I loved you too much to allow any men around my daughter.” It was at that moment that I realized my mothers unselfishness was actually a BLESSING! And while I was ungrateful and bratty with a twist of privileged attitude, I have never in my life been more grateful to have a mother like mine. She has always chosen me first, Its something I cant ever deny. And while she still refers to me as her baby, the truth is I am, I am a complete mommas girl. And my dad, well I will always love my dad, but even as an adult I will always hold on to a bit of resentment. Something I don’t hide from anyone, the question of “dad, why did you value a piece of ass more than you did your own family?” will always be present in my mind. Guess we don’t always understand selfish ass people. He can spend the rest of his life being father of the year, best dad ever, most loving, most present dad ever. And in the end, he will always be the man that ruined my family. Love him. But he will always carry that cross, and its a heavy cross, sorry daddy. As for my mother she will continue to be a smart ass with a smart mouth, hilarious as can be, and the reason I have learned to be unselfish with my children.

“Dear momma, you’re my favorite tree.

Love, your apple”


Love you all,


Thank God For Unanswered Prayers

Life is an interesting thing, full of weird twists and turns and sadly hurt. It was almost three years ago that I remember crying myself to bed every night, praying to god that he would change my husbands heart and mind. That he would help him see the damage he was causing to our family. I prayed night after night as I laid in a pillow soaked with my own tears and desperation. And guess what? God never answered my prayers. He never brought D back with a changed heart, he never stopped his stupid whoreish behavior. I felt like god gave me nothing in return for all of my prayers. Little did I know that at the same time, only an 45 minutes away was a man praying the same prayers I was. He prayed every day and every night that god would help save his marriage, that he would help change her ways. And guess what? God didn’t answer his prayers either. I always knew our god was a fair god, but in this case not changing their disgusting ways, well that seemed unfair. I always thought god didn’t leave prayers unanswered. Little did I know that god had a different plan. It was to cross the paths of this brokenhearted woman with that brokenhearted man. And while at first that wasn’t clear to see as time goes on it becomes more and more clear that god had a better plan then the one he and I prayed for. And while it hasn’t always been easy, and we even decided to go our separate ways for some time, here we are again. This man once shared a quote with me that said “When you hold a man’s hand and he makes you feel giddy and excited, walk away from this man. He is not the man for you. If hold a man’s hand and he makes you feel warm, safe, and secure, hold on to him. This is the man you are going to marry.” I remember laughing at him and thinking “hell no I want the man that will make me feel giddy!” foolish girl. But then something began to change, this man that made me feel “safe” eventually began to feel like home. Calm… quiet…peaceful. I found the one man that could silence my every thought, calm my crazy and lord knows I’m crazy because he made me this way. Somehow this man has become my biggest supporter, my confidant, and most of all my best friend. In him I found someone that could relate to the pain of being lied to, cheated on, and disrespected by disgusting people. In him I found safety, love, understanding. In him I found a partner, my ride or die homie, the man who I cant fathom life without. I remember when I shared my blog with him long ago, when I had 200 readers. And his reply was “own your own site. buy the name, the domain, all of it. I’m behind you.” and so I did. And now all 10,000 plus of you have read my life without knowing who I am, and your support like his has been amazing. He may not always agree with my posts or views, but he loves me enough that he always supports them, and that’s all I need. His acceptance, his loyalty, because it is in his presence that I feel whole again. How do people go from complete strangers to sitting in a jewelry store trying on engagement rings? Well I don’t know. I guess that’s a god thing. How do two people who have been so hurt and broken by such low individuals find the strength to sit and talk about, marriage, babies, and the future? That must also be a god thing. I guess all I have to say is….. THANK YOU GOD. THANK YOU FOR UNANSWERED PRAYERS. THANK YOU FOR LOVING US ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT WE DESERVED BETTER THEN THE PEOPLE WE FOOLISHLY MADE THE MISTAKE OF SHARING OUR LIVES WITH. THANK YOU GOD FOR SETTING THE RECORD STRAIGHT. AND AGAIN, THANK YOU FOR IGNORING MY PRAYERS.

**and to that man….. you know my heart. you are the beginning and the end of everything for me. you complete me. and even though I am difficult and stubborn and hell on heels, you take me as I am, and for that I don’t have words…. Except that I will always do right by you. Because there is no other way. God wouldn’t allow it… you and I have seen the pain that nasty selfish people can cause, and we vowed once we WOULD NEVER BE THEM. YOU HAVE MY WORD. NEVER. I love you**

I love you all,



Well ladies and gents, I have finally understood why people call it baby momma drama, or just drama! I don’t know how many times I have listened to my friends vent about their boyfriend/husband’s ex wife, girlfriend, or worse…. the baby momma! An entire different beast all in itself (in this case a fat beast covered in cellulite lol). You know which one I’m talking about, the one that “Doesn’t  care about you” yet she stalks your FB, Insta, and now your blog too. Lets call it what it is, if you don’t care about me, if you don’t like me, but you still watch everything I do, bitch I’m flattered, I’ve always wanted a fan HAHA. So here I am venting to you world, saying…. You were right about all your warnings. There is nothing worse than watching someone you care about being treated like garbage by someone who used to be a part of their life. Its frustrating, makes you angry, makes you defensive. See I was foolish enough to think I cracked the code! If I stayed out of all arguments, kept my opinion to myself, never stepped on anyone’s toes, and was always kind and graceful to any children involved, well then I cracked the code. I am now exempt from any backlash and any shit talking the baby momma could throw my way. Until I WASN’T! Instead I was drug into a problem that I have nothing to do with. To the point even my blog “Why men are like breakfast food” was brought into question. Apparently my creative writing, and hilarious views on life, and many of your stories make me a “whore” or something, or the baby momma comes off like I have this entire other life. While funny and ridiculous, it is also insulting. I appreciate all you 10,654 followers, your ideas, comments, and request for topics! I love you all. But once again my easy going nature has proven to come back and slap me across the face. Apparently being Switzerland got me no where! Here’s the funny thing about humans tho. We tend to lash out when we are backed into a corner, when our bullshit has caught up to us to the point where all we can do is point the finger at the new woman in the pic. However; you can get the hell out of here with that garbage. See I may be a creative writer with a smart mouth but you? well you know who and what you are. See here’s the thing,  I may be silent and respectful in your presence but you know what I’m not? a whore and your doormat. See I’m no saint, I like every one else am a sinner. But my expressive writing has zero to do with it. I get to walk with my head held HIGH because during my ten years of marriage I was a WIFE! I respected my husband, our marriage, our family and most of all myself and my children. I get to walk through my life and never have my children call me a “cheater” or blame me for the fall of their family. I will carry any cross in this lifetime you hand me, I will be a bitch, a cunt, and stupid ass feminist. I will be anything, but in my kids eyes I will NEVER be the bitch that valued cock more then I valued them. The problem with the world is we love to point the finger at other people instead of owning out shit. In my blogs, as you all see I OWN my shit. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I don’t use excuses for my behavior and my way of coping with my hard times. I simply say “Yup I fucked up, and sorry if you don’t like it.” done deal. As an adult you cant go through life excusing your behavior and choices by blaming other people for it. That is to say, if your a cheating whore (male or female) you cant blame your abusive past! your daddy beat you? your mom yelled at you? your mom didn’t care if step-daddy touched you? your mom chose her boyfriend and sent you into foster care?  None of these excuses as an adult are valid. They may make you fucked up, but they aren’t excuses. This is when being a self aware adult comes in! you had a rough life, fair, get some help, go to therapy, work through your shit. Don’t sit there and contaminate everyone else with your bullshit and hatred because daddy touched you or smacked you around one too many times. No! own your past as painful as it is and do something about it. Because pointing fingers at me wont make you a better person, a better mother, it wont erase the whore you were, nor will it give you redemption. So you fight your battles over there, and I will fight mine over here,Silently as an adult should. You don’t get a special pass to talk shit because you gave birth to a child. Most woman can do that, its nothing special. If I give you an ounce of respect its due to the person I care about, and it has zero to do with you, or who you birthed. But don’t take my kindness for weakness. In the words my dear friend…….

Mic Drop! and I’m out this bitch!!!!!!!!!!!




Dear Dirty Little Roommates……

Why must you be so loud? Bad? Wild? Outspoken? Intelligent? Stubborn? Kind? and Handsome? I’m guessing its because god made you this way. I share my everyday life with who I call my “Dirty little roommates” also known as my ten year old son and my seven year old son. And while they drive me crazy most days, they are my reason for waking up every morning. This blog may have been inspired by Mothers Day being yesterday, or maybe the fact that I never wanted to be a mother to begin with. Children were never in my so called “life plan”. Yet here I stand with two crazy boys, who I clearly don’t deserve. The one thing I have discovered about being a mom isn’t the traditional things people warn you about. “You love them more than yourself” “Prepare to give them all your time” “The world revolves around them” and so on and so on. No see what they fail to tell you is that a mother is only as happy as her saddest child. They also fail to tell you that no matter how badly you could ever hurt in your life, you will always hurt 100x more when you see your children hurt. I recently discovered this heart wrenching, breath taking pain while laying in bed with my 7 year old. I was sure he was falling asleep when he turned and looked at me and said “Mom, why can’t you and dad just get re-married? you love him and he loves you” to which I had no words other than “It’s just not that easy baby. Things are complicated, adult stuff is complicated.” To this he enthusiastically replied with “No mom, grown ups always think things are hard when they aren’t. And mom, dad is nice now. and he doesn’t drink anymore, and his STPD (aka PTSD) is better now.” And as he laid there trying to sell me his father back all I could think about was the emotional pain I was feeling. A pain that quickly felt like it turned physical, It was a gut wrenching pain. It was at that moment that I realized a mother who truly loves her child will do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to make their pain stop. Forget my pride, my hurt feelings, the things D has put me through. The only thing that mattered at that moment was the look on my little boys face, a sadness so great it made his eyes begin to fill up with tears and made his little voice crack. All I could do  was hug him and tell him I loved him and that his dad loved him. Once he fell asleep I was left there laying in bed, alone with my thoughts, with my gut wrenching pain. What I wouldn’t do to fix his family, what wouldn’t I have given to have things be different. I hope one day he realizes that as much as I loved his father, there was no stone I left un-turned to salvage anything that would have kept his family together. Yet at age seven, life seems so simple. You love dad, dad loves you, easy enough. Oh my baby, If you only knew how much time and pain can change love. The joys of motherhood can be so great, yet its the behind the scenes stuff that can at times feel like drowning. The nights when you lay awake crying yourself to sleep because you know one day your children will want an explanation.You know one day your children will understand exactly why they don’t have a family. And while you love their father, so very much. You know he is the root of the pain that has destroyed and scarred everyone who has ever loved him. You know his two little boys deserved so much better then the cards he dealt them. And that is a pain that is indescribable, and one that I as a mother carry with me daily. This is why every night when I pray for my two little boys who hold no fault in this, I pray that they learn to love another person the right way. I hope they learn to love differently than their fathers version of love. You see my two babies, you don’t destroy something you love.

Love You All,




It’s That Complicated “Love”

Ever wonder why certain people are placed in our lives? I know I do. More specifically MEN. The man you want to keep, the one you want to forget, the one you wish you could forget, the one you long for, the one you miss, the one that drives you crazy, and of course the one who you are constantly drawn back to. The one you can’t explain. Now dear readers, this man isn’t one i’ve necessarily blogged about before, we shall call him Mr.Z. He isn’t new in my life, but he’s more like the song you have stuck in your head… or maybe the song you haven’t heard in so long but the minute it comes on you know all the lyrics to. This post is long long over due. However; today I was inspired to write about it after all this time. So what is it about this Mr.Z? he isn’t exactly “my type”. So what is my type? lets see…. I tend to like them 5’10, light skinned, dark haired, and not completely jacked… maybe like a Vin Diesel body type but taller. So Mr.Z is really none of the above, easy enough right? Bye Felicia. ONLY NOT SO FAST! There is something ever so stimulating about Mr.Z, something about his intellect. His amazing way with words, he is so smart, and witty, and bottom line kind of a nerd. And even tho time and time again I swore I’d never speak to him again because he wasn’t “my type” the connection remained. He’s the type of man who you can talk to about anything, and get lost in time. The kind that makes you laugh, and calls you out on your shit, but more than anything the type that makes the walls come down. Those moments when you feel real, vulnerable, and hopeful all at the same time. Scary feelings for a woman like me, but clearly I must not be as cold as I think I am. Mr.Z doesn’t buy the bullshit I’m selling. He has been able to see a different side of me that most men don’t ever get the privilege of seeing. Why? I don’t know. Guess it’s those complicated feelings. Paths in life are tricky, they leads us in so many directions, and they cross our paths with so many people. I’ve had the privilege of my path being crossed with Mr.Z. And while I have no idea where my path will continue to lead me, i’d hate to say “He’s the one that got away” So dear readers, I have one piece of advice for you today. If you have doubts about a man, if you just don’t know where its leading, if there is potential, if its a dead end, well WHO CARES! Go for it! enjoy the ride! because you never want to look back and wonder “what if”. Whats the worst that could happen? a heartbreak? Oh honey those are inevitable! so fall in love many times even if its just for one night 🙂


“It is a travesty when two hearts, at different intervals in life, find each other. And although they would otherwise be perfect for each other, they can’t be together, for the timing isn’t right.”

Love you all,



Why is rejection so hard on a person? Have you ever stopped and wondered why the opinion of another human even matters? Speaking for myself, rejection is always so hard me. It doesn’t matter if the rejection is coming from a man (in the romantic aspect), a new friendship, a new career I really wanted, it all sucks equally. They say rejections is “God’s way of saying wrong way”. Well “they” say a lot of shit that doesn’t make life easier to handle. Yet we continue to strive for the acceptance of others, we push ourselves to accomplish more, we work so hard to prove we are good enough. Yet how many of us actually accept our selves for who we are? How many of us even like ourselves? I can say I don’t feel that way about myself all the time. I struggle too! Perfect example, today I received a call informing me that the job I had just interviewed for I did not get. Ouch. All I can say is Ouch. Ego bruised, self-esteem down a few notches. But why? See I’m an intelligent woman. When it comes to helping others via counseling and advice, I know my shit! I’m accountable, smart, driven, an independent worker, I have all the qualities that make me a good employee. Yet they still said “no”. So why is it that knowing my self worth I still find myself struggling to deal with the rejection? Simple- I AM HUMAN! and my need for acceptance and to prove I am smart enough and good enough never fails. But somewhere in the back of my mind I KNOW I am good enough. I am good enough for the job, the man, my kids, and most of all myself. Like everyone else, I struggle with the concept of self-acceptance too. A few months ago my therapist asked me to compile a list of things “I liked about myself” and my list consisted of one thing- I am smart. That was it, I then proceeded to write a list of things I didn’t like about myself (something she didn’t ask me to do, but self-criticism is easy). There were 17 things on that list. See, I didn’t see it then but I see it now, my list should have been 17 things I like about myself and one thing that I don’t. My self-worth was ZERO! Since then I have found more things to add on my list and i’ve been able to remove things off the other self hating list. And that’s what life is dear readers, Its a series of plus’s and minuses. Up’s and Down’s, highs and lows. The point of this is, the more we accept ourselves the less the opinions of others will dictate our self worth. I mean can you imagine, If I let the actions of my ex determine my self worth? I’ve let that happen before, and the only place it got me was severely depressed, borderline suicidal, and a raging anxiety problem, not too mention tons of medication. My climb up from rock bottom? Like i’ve said in my past blogs, it was anything but pretty! But like all other goals I have been able to achieve, self-acceptance and self-love is something else I strive for daily. And thanks to a great group of friends and a great therapist, I learn to like myself more and more everyday. I learn to be kind to myself, because  the world isn’t always kind, I also learn to cut myself some slack! To freely say “I fuck up” and “so the fuck what?!” And so should you dear reader, so should you. See you are unique in all your ways, and that’s what makes you amazing! So I leave you with this:

“The most dangerous woman of  all is the one who refuses to rely on your sword to save her, Because she carries her OWN”

Love you all,


Un-Divorced!? What?!

“Lord why do you hate me?!” There are the words I have been screaming for the last four days. As most of you know, my life for the last two years has been such a shit show its almost become a comedy. So let me fill you in on the newest chapter of my fucked up life! I walk into court Monday morning, the day my divorce was to be finalized or at the very least I was waiting for the judge to say “Well Mrs. L you are officially free from that douche bag, lying, dirty cheater! you may close the door to that chapter and move on!!” I’ve been waiting for those sweet words for 5 months! So I get there ready to be a free woman and instead I get…… “So sorry to inform you Mrs. L but you will have to re-serve Mr.L and re-petition the court for your divorce. Due to the residence Mr.L was living in the court cannot validate he was served properly.” (Among a few other details I cant disclose out of respect for Mr.L) So yeah… Basically have a nice day, and go fuck yourself, divorce denied. Gee thanks world! Can a bitch catch a break? At this rate i’ll be married until I hit menopause, or worse until I’m on my death bed. I shall die a woman legally bound to a man who doesn’t deserve to utter my name! And while I love him so, DAMN I just want to be a FREE woman! So I sit here thinking to myself…. what is gods plan? Or is he just bored and i’m like his little character in the Sims. I’m so close to winning the game and he’s like “nah bitch. lets re-start!” I mean why? why god why? what the hell did I ever do to you? I’m a good girl with a few bad habits i’m sure, but I’ve never killed anyone! As of now I find myself compiling a list, so when I get to meet my maker I can ask:

“Dear god, What in the fuck-a-licious Fuck?”  That basically sums up all the questions I have for him.

So today I am still a married woman, emotionally divorced, and at heart… a widow. If this is how my dirty 30 begins, I’m scared of the rest of the year. So dear Lord, Can you cut a bitch some slack? maybe? just a bit? Maybe the moral of the story for me right now is faith…. Have faith that the plan is so much bigger than I can even imagine. And continue to be happy, Because that’s one thing I refuse to give up! I love my happy!

I leave you with this my dear readers:

“Experience taught her. Hurt raised her. BUT NEITHER DEFINED HER!”



(Thank you to my favorite intern in the entire world for the title of this post! Love you B. p.s- shes single and beautiful, and in great shape, and needs a really good man in her life. serious inquiries only! send picture 😉 sorry B, I had to!)

Is it possible to love two people at once? yes.

Love is such a complicated emotion, of course most of you know this already. For me it’s learning to accept how love changes with time. For almost 10 years of my life I loved my husband. I was there for him through good times and bad times, I never cheated on him, I never so much as entertained the idea of it. And after forming a family, buying a home, and making  plans for a third child, I find out he was having an affair. Needless to say I was heartbroken, and that may be an understatement. See what I found out during marriage counseling was that it wasn’t his first affair. He had began cheating around the three year mark. His view on it was simple, and like he stated “I just assumed that as long as I was a good husband and took care of my family what she didn’t know wouldn’t hurt her.” Oh D….. but it did. It hurt me to the point where I swore up and down I wanted to die. And now as time has passed and I have found a different type of love, the kind that is safe, and nurturing, and honest. See I never stopped loving him, only its different now. While I can be in his presence and enjoy time and memories with him and my kids, I no longer long for him. I don’t find myself missing him anymore, and often times when I am around him I miss the man who has shown me that love can be real. A man who clearly deserves more than a woman who cares about two men so deeply, even if it’s different. Maybe its guilt that I feel still caring about a man who put me through so much hell and left me so broken. Yet, he is a great father to my boys, and how do you learn to hate someone who makes your children so happy? you don’t. It’s like asking me to hate the sound of my little ones laughter, or the faces they make when they are angry. He is embedded in each movement they make, his presence will never fade. The best thing I have done is learn to live without him, something I never thought was possible. And while I love D like a good friend, like someone I have been through hell and back with, or as I call him “my ride or die” That chapter in our life has ended. And although I do not know what the rest of my life looks like, what I do know is that it is possible to love more than one man at the same time. For me, Well I guess I love four of them, two little ones that give me reason to keep going when the lord knows I want to give up. One who has loved me, and hurt me, and supported me, and made me want to kill him, and who finds great joy in the friendship we have developed. And lastly the one who has shown me what love can actually look like, when someone is kind, and loving, and dedicated. He is that man where I find safety, he has the ability to silence my thoughts, he also has the ability to make me feel again. Something both strange and scary at the same time. In the end, my life revolves around four men. Two I can live without if I had to, and two I couldn’t possibly fathom taking a single breath without.

“Is it possible to love more than one person at a time?” I asked.

“of course,” she replied. “Just not with the same intensity, they don’t tell you that because it scares them shitless.”

“see, love is an energy thing.”


Love you all,