I’m here again… in that space. Somewhere between living in everyone’s happy reality and my devastating truth. Again, like every other time the costume I am forced to wear daily feels heavy. This time the feeling of sadness has manifested its way into 4am vomiting sessions. As if my body is saying, I can no longer hold all of this anxiety inside anymore, so its looking for a way to get it out. It never helps. Nothing ever helps. Maybe that is my reality. Maybe all of the Pintrest quotes that talk about ways to make it better and to help it go away are all lies. Made up on the other side of the screen by some obnoxious blonde with a latte in her hand. Something trendy, something cute, maybe even something hopeful.

Leaving me feeling more like a failure than before. See if I cannot take these trendy advice pictures being posted and somehow magically change my life then I have failed. But the real question is do these things actually work for anyone? I had someone tell me recently to go do things that will help minimize my anxiety… they even came up with a list. Hell if I recall what the list entailed because all I could think about was how incredibly tired my soul felt at listening to all the ideas he had. And like usual, I remain quiet and pretend to entertain them. For I know, I will do none of these things.

In my recent days I have come to the conclusion that my life will always be this way. Because there isn’t enough money, success, or even health that can reprogram my brain. I have come to the conclusion that maybe I will always be unable to feel happiness. Maybe like my vitamin D deficiency I also have a happiness one too. As if my brain and body is unable to absorb that as well. They don’t sell happiness in pill form, numbness yes, but not happiness. Usually I end these things on a positive note, I don’t have one of those today…. I haven’t had one for 22 days to be exact. But I can leave you with something precious my friend shared with me:

 

“Do you know why birds sing just before dawn?

Scientist believe its to tell their mates that they have made it though the night, as a way of saying “I’m still here”

Maybe that’s why we sing too, why we write, why we create art…. As a way of saying I MADE IT. I AM STILL HERE!

 

THIS BLOG HERE SAYS, I MADE IT. I AM STILL HERE AND IF YOURE READING THIS, IT MEANS YOU TOO HAVE MADE IT. WE ARE STILL HERE.

 

-A

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