Why the bird sings at dawn

I’m here again… in that space. Somewhere between living in everyone’s happy reality and my devastating truth. Again, like every other time the costume I am forced to wear daily feels heavy. This time the feeling of sadness has manifested its way into 4am vomiting sessions. As if my body is saying, I can no longer hold all of this anxiety inside anymore, so its looking for a way to get it out. It never helps. Nothing ever helps. Maybe that is my reality. Maybe all of the Pintrest quotes that talk about ways to make it better and to help it go away are all lies. Made up on the other side of the screen by some obnoxious blonde with a latte in her hand. Something trendy, something cute, maybe even something hopeful.

Leaving me feeling more like a failure than before. See if I cannot take these trendy advice pictures being posted and somehow magically change my life then I have failed. But the real question is do these things actually work for anyone? I had someone tell me recently to go do things that will help minimize my anxiety… they even came up with a list. Hell if I recall what the list entailed because all I could think about was how incredibly tired my soul felt at listening to all the ideas he had. And like usual, I remain quiet and pretend to entertain them. For I know, I will do none of these things.

In my recent days I have come to the conclusion that my life will always be this way. Because there isn’t enough money, success, or even health that can reprogram my brain. I have come to the conclusion that maybe I will always be unable to feel happiness. Maybe like my vitamin D deficiency I also have a happiness one too. As if my brain and body is unable to absorb that as well. They don’t sell happiness in pill form, numbness yes, but not happiness. Usually I end these things on a positive note, I don’t have one of those today…. I haven’t had one for 22 days to be exact. But I can leave you with something precious my friend shared with me:

 

“Do you know why birds sing just before dawn?

Scientist believe its to tell their mates that they have made it though the night, as a way of saying “I’m still here”

Maybe that’s why we sing too, why we write, why we create art…. As a way of saying I MADE IT. I AM STILL HERE!

 

THIS BLOG HERE SAYS, I MADE IT. I AM STILL HERE AND IF YOURE READING THIS, IT MEANS YOU TOO HAVE MADE IT. WE ARE STILL HERE.

 

-A

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“As surely as the sun will rise tomorrow, so too will my heart only beat for you”

You know who you are,

I’ve never been good at this faith, hope, and love thing that’s printed all over everyone’s walls. I’ve always been one that struggles with all three. Perhaps that’s because I never fully understood all three until you. You taught me faith, you showed me what hope looks like, and most of all love. You showed me what love actually feels like.  In my darkest times I always struggled with love, my first go around I thought love was easy. Until I realized it was all just an act that I fell for (I know you know what I mean). Now at this age I see that love is hard. The act of loving is easy, the emotions are easy. The struggle of love though is difficult. It means ups and downs, it means more losses than wins at times. And my logical side can’t seem to understand that. My logical side can’t seem but to question my faith, because why would god ever remove the chance of happy away from two people that have already been through so much? You never question your faith, its what I admire the most. But everything in this life needs a balance, even us two. You my dear are strong, level headed, always consistent, and you always walk in your faith and trust in god. And I….. well I am not you. I am strong, and emotionally driven, stubborn, and I choose to fight for what I love even if god says I cannot have it yet. And when both of these humans who are so different come together they create something truly amazing. For you keep me safe, and I keep you wild. You keep me on track and I make you laugh. I doubt my faith but I chose to walk in the shadow of yours because life has taught me it is safe there. But in the end, I fight for you, as you fight for me. As of now we have been denied the chance of living out our happily ever after. And while I know it hurts you, you have a great poker face. I don’t have that, I’ve been walking in the latest hours with my heart heavy… my faith diminished, and I am questioning god so much I need my own “21 questions” song. And you remain steady as always, you are forever my rock. But me…. I am not made like you. I think I was sent in your life to do the dirty work lol, to fight for you and for us when logic prevails in your mind but emotion over runs mine. I don’t believe in love at first sight, but I do believe in soul mates. Two people who are so incredibly different yet so much the same in views and beliefs, two people that no matter how much the world tries to keep them apart they keep finding themselves right back to where they left off. As if the world is unaware that as long as we both walk this earth, you and I will always have unfinished business. I do not know what gods plan is for me any more than you know what it holds for you. But what I do know is that no matter where those roads lead, you will always be my home, and I will be yours. And maybe as I write this out, god can hear my pleads for I have promised him that I will love and cherish you for the rest of my days… sometimes I think that isn’t enough for him. Or maybe it is and the timing isn’t right. And as I cry all over this keyboard, I cant help but to be grateful, for you taught me love. Complete unselfish, crazy, painful, difficult, wonderful, love. You taught me what standing next to someone actually looks like. Until we see what fate has in store for us, I hope you know you are forever the Clyde to my Bonnie, the better parts of me, my best friend, my soulmate, and the reason I am who I am today.

I vow to always keep you wild… for as long as you keep me safe.

With the most love a broken heart can hold,

-A