A penny for my thoughts?….nah, this ones on me.

Some days are harder to wake up than others. The feeling of defeat is at times overwhelming. I feel stupid, as if my kindness has always been taken for weakness. Getting up in the morning has been difficult lately. I find myself dwelling about where my life is, where it could be, where it SHOULD be. I hate you. Somewhere down to my core, I hate you. I despise what you have done to me, and most of all to my mind. See my heart can heal, it’s my brain that’s the problem. Our hearts are self-healing, time usually works wonders. But our brains, well that’s different. They hold the power to remember virtually anything. Forgive and forget, right? Well my heart can forgive. But lord knows my brain can do neither. So daily my sanity is toyed with, some days hurt so bad I become convinced I am a 31 year old woman having a heart attack. And other days, when I’m lucky, I feel nothing. It’s the numbness I crave, the silence in my brain, the void in my chest from where my heart once filled with happiness. You make me angry. Your lack of parenting skills make me sick. Your lack of compassion for what you have done to others makes me wish you dead. I know those thoughts make me a “bad mom” because what about my children and their suffering…. Well have you ever stopped to think how much suffering you have caused them to this date? You take two innocent little boys give them everything they want and need, and then rip it all away for a cheap piece of ass. You’re a pig. Something that deserves to be gutted as such. Why am I writing this out? Because if it sits in my brain any longer I will probably become just a sick in the head as you are. And the new cross eyed, dike looking woman, playing house in MY HOME. Well it’s just another reminder of the filthy pig I chose to play in the mud with once. If only you made rational decisions instead of this shit, how much easier would co-parenting be. Rage, today I feel rage. Guess I woke up on the wrong side of rock bottom.

Love,

– A

Advertisements