Running On Empty

Just because you don’t love someone the way they want you to love them doesn’t mean you don’t love them with everything you have. We all love different, we all love with whatever ability we have. For me, as painful as this is, I don’t really have much left to love with. I hoped that with time, I would regain the ability to give my heart away, and fall in love. The truth is, I can’t. I am not capable of this act. My cousin told me yesterday that her theory is that “It takes half the amount of time you were with someone to get over them, and be able to start a new positive relationship” Well shit! 3 years down, and 1 ½ left to go I suppose. To say that I haven’t made any progress would be a lie, but to say I have a long way to go would be an understatement. Perhaps my heart will never fully belong to a man, because the last one made sure he broke, stomped and shit all over it. He made sure that I would be so broken, I’d never have anything left to give someone. There is a part of me that is still so heavily wounded that when I think of the damage he caused me, I still feel my chest get tight. That familiar sting of pain followed by numbness still lives there. The old tape holding my inner dialogue hasn’t changed. I could be with a great man, and at the end of the night I tell myself “He’s just a piece of shit, it’s only a matter of time before he hurts you, cheats, and leaves you” and because this is a daily thought, it’s nearly impossible for a man to have the ability to change it. During my dark hours I sit and wonder if my life will be lonely forever, will I end up alone? Or is karma waiting for me to fall so head over heels in love, so it can then make me pay for the hurt I caused other men? Doubt that, because Karma already made me pay for something I didn’t do. So what the fuck is the plan for me then? I refuse to believe that a god that loves you unconditionally would allow me to feel such hurt for no reason. But I also know, that hardening my heart is def not what he calls for. And to add insult to injury, D has now moved on into a relationship with a woman he calls his gf. And while I don’t like her… and hope her insulin runs out as she needs it because she’s a diabetic, I also don’t care too much about her. See it’s the same script just a different cast. It’s only a matter of time before he does the same things he did to me to her. And lord knows I never want to relive that shit again! The part that stings is how can he move on and yet, I’m still so broken? I guess it’s probably because I didn’t cause him damage he caused me. That kind of damage changes a person. It makes you scared of the world. Cautions and suspicions of men. And then the day comes when you find one who loves you. Who over and over reclaims you are the only one for him that he would never search for someone else. And you don’t believe him. Why? Because once upon a time you heard those lines. And the next thing you know you’re on the floor of your bathroom crying so hard you almost pass out. Because everything was a lie. How does a human break another human so bad? I ask myself this often. I have many days where I hate myself, when I wish I would have taken the easy way out of this world. I walk around a broken shattered person, cutting every man that cares about me with my broken edges. As it stands today, I am not worthy of being loved and I am not capable of loving. And while I wish that by now I had it all figured out, I don’t. What I do know is that I don’t want to love or be loved. I don’t want to love someone so greatly they hold the ability to destroy my heart again. So I guess for now, I sit and wait. Wait for an answer, wait and wait. I guess that’s all I can do.

 

Love you all with the broken pieces I was left with,

-A

 

 

 

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