“How long are you going to not care about the people you hurt or leave in your wake?” “Why do you feel you have the right to hurt people with your words, and use the fact that you have been hurt as an excuse?”
These are the questions that I have been asked more times than I can count, usually my men who I have thrown away like yesterday’s garbage. Valid questions, but as many times before I have found them super annoying. Perhaps this is because I don’t even know how to answer them. How long will I continue to hurt people? How long will I not care about who I leave in my wake? Shit….. I don’t know. I guess that depends on how long it takes to heal the damage that has been caused. I recently made a decision to no longer be the person I claim my ex “turned me into”. This path is hard. It requires allowing myself to feel, be vulnerable, be accountable. As I sat there with my therapist and heard her say you are exhibiting “abusive behavior” I immediately thought…. Wow. Now I’m a piece of shit just like he was. I am no longer any different. I have let his actions turn me into a hateful, cold woman. A woman sometimes I don’t recognize in the mirror. My hatred for the male species is too real for most to comprehend. “Don’t chase them, replace them” has been my motto. Until him. He has somehow unlocked the box holds my emotions, lies, and my truth. Next to him I am able to feel hurt, loss, pain. It scares the shit out of me. Its during these times I want to run, not care who I hurt. Its too close for comfort here, hes too near to my heart. It is during these times when in my own twisted head I find myself saying things like “don’t be stupid. Don’t be stupid. This is temporary. He’s only here until he finds something better.” Guess I talk myself out of every deal. So how long will I hurt other people? No clue. Ever heard the quote “Be careful when helping broken people, you might cut yourself on their broken pieces” maybe that’s all I am. Broken glass. Something not meant to be handled. I cut. Often too deep. Excuses. I can give you so many of them, why Ive become the way that I am, why I say the things that I do. BUT I will no longer do that. Instead I will hold my head high and take a step forward. Drop my guard, re-learn to be kind, loving, and compassionate. I don’t want to be shattered broken glass anymore. So while I cant answer the questions ive been asked before, I can say I will no longer be that woman you used to know. I guess hurt people tend to hurt other people, it’s “misery loves company I suppose.” It’s the if” I can make you hurt then somehow I have gained a piece of what I lost with him back, power” But like most things, it has eaten away at my soul, at my self worth…. to the point where I don’t even like myself anymore. For now, all I can say is I am a broken being, in search of the cure. And if in my road of darkness I have caused you pain, I apologize. But this is day one, day one of a new chapter…. No fuck that. This IS A NEW FUCKING BOOK!
Love you all
“I almost thanked you for teaching me about survival back there, but then I remembered, the ocean never handed me the gift of swimming. I gave it to myself.”