Life is an interesting thing, full of weird twists and turns and sadly hurt. It was almost three years ago that I remember crying myself to bed every night, praying to god that he would change my husbands heart and mind. That he would help him see the damage he was causing to our family. I prayed night after night as I laid in a pillow soaked with my own tears and desperation. And guess what? God never answered my prayers. He never brought D back with a changed heart, he never stopped his stupid whoreish behavior. I felt like god gave me nothing in return for all of my prayers. Little did I know that at the same time, only an 45 minutes away was a man praying the same prayers I was. He prayed every day and every night that god would help save his marriage, that he would help change her ways. And guess what? God didn’t answer his prayers either. I always knew our god was a fair god, but in this case not changing their disgusting ways, well that seemed unfair. I always thought god didn’t leave prayers unanswered. Little did I know that god had a different plan. It was to cross the paths of this brokenhearted woman with that brokenhearted man. And while at first that wasn’t clear to see as time goes on it becomes more and more clear that god had a better plan then the one he and I prayed for. And while it hasn’t always been easy, and we even decided to go our separate ways for some time, here we are again. This man once shared a quote with me that said “When you hold a man’s hand and he makes you feel giddy and excited, walk away from this man. He is not the man for you. If hold a man’s hand and he makes you feel warm, safe, and secure, hold on to him. This is the man you are going to marry.” I remember laughing at him and thinking “hell no I want the man that will make me feel giddy!” foolish girl. But then something began to change, this man that made me feel “safe” eventually began to feel like home. Calm… quiet…peaceful. I found the one man that could silence my every thought, calm my crazy and lord knows I’m crazy because he made me this way. Somehow this man has become my biggest supporter, my confidant, and most of all my best friend. In him I found someone that could relate to the pain of being lied to, cheated on, and disrespected by disgusting people. In him I found safety, love, understanding. In him I found a partner, my ride or die homie, the man who I cant fathom life without. I remember when I shared my blog with him long ago, when I had 200 readers. And his reply was “own your own site. buy the name, the domain, all of it. I’m behind you.” and so I did. And now all 10,000 plus of you have read my life without knowing who I am, and your support like his has been amazing. He may not always agree with my posts or views, but he loves me enough that he always supports them, and that’s all I need. His acceptance, his loyalty, because it is in his presence that I feel whole again. How do people go from complete strangers to sitting in a jewelry store trying on engagement rings? Well I don’t know. I guess that’s a god thing. How do two people who have been so hurt and broken by such low individuals find the strength to sit and talk about, marriage, babies, and the future? That must also be a god thing. I guess all I have to say is….. THANK YOU GOD. THANK YOU FOR UNANSWERED PRAYERS. THANK YOU FOR LOVING US ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT WE DESERVED BETTER THEN THE PEOPLE WE FOOLISHLY MADE THE MISTAKE OF SHARING OUR LIVES WITH. THANK YOU GOD FOR SETTING THE RECORD STRAIGHT. AND AGAIN, THANK YOU FOR IGNORING MY PRAYERS.
**and to that man….. you know my heart. you are the beginning and the end of everything for me. you complete me. and even though I am difficult and stubborn and hell on heels, you take me as I am, and for that I don’t have words…. Except that I will always do right by you. Because there is no other way. God wouldn’t allow it… you and I have seen the pain that nasty selfish people can cause, and we vowed once we WOULD NEVER BE THEM. YOU HAVE MY WORD. NEVER. I love you**
I love you all,