Why must you be so loud? Bad? Wild? Outspoken? Intelligent? Stubborn? Kind? and Handsome? I’m guessing its because god made you this way. I share my everyday life with who I call my “Dirty little roommates” also known as my ten year old son and my seven year old son. And while they drive me crazy most days, they are my reason for waking up every morning. This blog may have been inspired by Mothers Day being yesterday, or maybe the fact that I never wanted to be a mother to begin with. Children were never in my so called “life plan”. Yet here I stand with two crazy boys, who I clearly don’t deserve. The one thing I have discovered about being a mom isn’t the traditional things people warn you about. “You love them more than yourself” “Prepare to give them all your time” “The world revolves around them” and so on and so on. No see what they fail to tell you is that a mother is only as happy as her saddest child. They also fail to tell you that no matter how badly you could ever hurt in your life, you will always hurt 100x more when you see your children hurt. I recently discovered this heart wrenching, breath taking pain while laying in bed with my 7 year old. I was sure he was falling asleep when he turned and looked at me and said “Mom, why can’t you and dad just get re-married? you love him and he loves you” to which I had no words other than “It’s just not that easy baby. Things are complicated, adult stuff is complicated.” To this he enthusiastically replied with “No mom, grown ups always think things are hard when they aren’t. And mom, dad is nice now. and he doesn’t drink anymore, and his STPD (aka PTSD) is better now.” And as he laid there trying to sell me his father back all I could think about was the emotional pain I was feeling. A pain that quickly felt like it turned physical, It was a gut wrenching pain. It was at that moment that I realized a mother who truly loves her child will do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to make their pain stop. Forget my pride, my hurt feelings, the things D has put me through. The only thing that mattered at that moment was the look on my little boys face, a sadness so great it made his eyes begin to fill up with tears and made his little voice crack. All I could do  was hug him and tell him I loved him and that his dad loved him. Once he fell asleep I was left there laying in bed, alone with my thoughts, with my gut wrenching pain. What I wouldn’t do to fix his family, what wouldn’t I have given to have things be different. I hope one day he realizes that as much as I loved his father, there was no stone I left un-turned to salvage anything that would have kept his family together. Yet at age seven, life seems so simple. You love dad, dad loves you, easy enough. Oh my baby, If you only knew how much time and pain can change love. The joys of motherhood can be so great, yet its the behind the scenes stuff that can at times feel like drowning. The nights when you lay awake crying yourself to sleep because you know one day your children will want an explanation.You know one day your children will understand exactly why they don’t have a family. And while you love their father, so very much. You know he is the root of the pain that has destroyed and scarred everyone who has ever loved him. You know his two little boys deserved so much better then the cards he dealt them. And that is a pain that is indescribable, and one that I as a mother carry with me daily. This is why every night when I pray for my two little boys who hold no fault in this, I pray that they learn to love another person the right way. I hope they learn to love differently than their fathers version of love. You see my two babies, you don’t destroy something you love.

Love You All,

-A

 

 

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