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All posts for the month May, 2016

Dear Dirty Little Roommates……

Published May 9, 2016 by filterless1616

Why must you be so loud? Bad? Wild? Outspoken? Intelligent? Stubborn? Kind? and Handsome? I’m guessing its because god made you this way. I share my everyday life with who I call my “Dirty little roommates” also known as my ten year old son and my seven year old son. And while they drive me crazy most days, they are my reason for waking up every morning. This blog may have been inspired by Mothers Day being yesterday, or maybe the fact that I never wanted to be a mother to begin with. Children were never in my so called “life plan”. Yet here I stand with two crazy boys, who I clearly don’t deserve. The one thing I have discovered about being a mom isn’t the traditional things people warn you about. “You love them more than yourself” “Prepare to give them all your time” “The world revolves around them” and so on and so on. No see what they fail to tell you is that a mother is only as happy as her saddest child. They also fail to tell you that no matter how badly you could ever hurt in your life, you will always hurt 100x more when you see your children hurt. I recently discovered this heart wrenching, breath taking pain while laying in bed with my 7 year old. I was sure he was falling asleep when he turned and looked at me and said “Mom, why can’t you and dad just get re-married? you love him and he loves you” to which I had no words other than “It’s just not that easy baby. Things are complicated, adult stuff is complicated.” To this he enthusiastically replied with “No mom, grown ups always think things are hard when they aren’t. And mom, dad is nice now. and he doesn’t drink anymore, and his STPD (aka PTSD) is better now.” And as he laid there trying to sell me his father back all I could think about was the emotional pain I was feeling. A pain that quickly felt like it turned physical, It was a gut wrenching pain. It was at that moment that I realized a mother who truly loves her child will do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to make their pain stop. Forget my pride, my hurt feelings, the things D has put me through. The only thing that mattered at that moment was the look on my little boys face, a sadness so great it made his eyes begin to fill up with tears and made his little voice crack. All I could do  was hug him and tell him I loved him and that his dad loved him. Once he fell asleep I was left there laying in bed, alone with my thoughts, with my gut wrenching pain. What I wouldn’t do to fix his family, what wouldn’t I have given to have things be different. I hope one day he realizes that as much as I loved his father, there was no stone I left un-turned to salvage anything that would have kept his family together. Yet at age seven, life seems so simple. You love dad, dad loves you, easy enough. Oh my baby, If you only knew how much time and pain can change love. The joys of motherhood can be so great, yet its the behind the scenes stuff that can at times feel like drowning. The nights when you lay awake crying yourself to sleep because you know one day your children will want an explanation.You know one day your children will understand exactly why they don’t have a family. And while you love their father, so very much. You know he is the root of the pain that has destroyed and scarred everyone who has ever loved him. You know his two little boys deserved so much better then the cards he dealt them. And that is a pain that is indescribable, and one that I as a mother carry with me daily. This is why every night when I pray for my two little boys who hold no fault in this, I pray that they learn to love another person the right way. I hope they learn to love differently than their fathers version of love. You see my two babies, you don’t destroy something you love.

Love You All,

-A

 

 

It’s That Complicated “Love”

Published May 4, 2016 by filterless1616

Ever wonder why certain people are placed in our lives? I know I do. More specifically MEN. The man you want to keep, the one you want to forget, the one you wish you could forget, the one you long for, the one you miss, the one that drives you crazy, and of course the one who you are constantly drawn back to. The one you can’t explain. Now dear readers, this man isn’t one i’ve necessarily blogged about before, we shall call him Mr.Z. He isn’t new in my life, but he’s more like the song you have stuck in your head… or maybe the song you haven’t heard in so long but the minute it comes on you know all the lyrics to. This post is long long over due. However; today I was inspired to write about it after all this time. So what is it about this Mr.Z? he isn’t exactly “my type”. So what is my type? lets see…. I tend to like them 5’10, light skinned, dark haired, and not completely jacked… maybe like a Vin Diesel body type but taller. So Mr.Z is really none of the above, easy enough right? Bye Felicia. ONLY NOT SO FAST! There is something ever so stimulating about Mr.Z, something about his intellect. His amazing way with words, he is so smart, and witty, and bottom line kind of a nerd. And even tho time and time again I swore I’d never speak to him again because he wasn’t “my type” the connection remained. He’s the type of man who you can talk to about anything, and get lost in time. The kind that makes you laugh, and calls you out on your shit, but more than anything the type that makes the walls come down. Those moments when you feel real, vulnerable, and hopeful all at the same time. Scary feelings for a woman like me, but clearly I must not be as cold as I think I am. Mr.Z doesn’t buy the bullshit I’m selling. He has been able to see a different side of me that most men don’t ever get the privilege of seeing. Why? I don’t know. Guess it’s those complicated feelings. Paths in life are tricky, they leads us in so many directions, and they cross our paths with so many people. I’ve had the privilege of my path being crossed with Mr.Z. And while I have no idea where my path will continue to lead me, i’d hate to say “He’s the one that got away” So dear readers, I have one piece of advice for you today. If you have doubts about a man, if you just don’t know where its leading, if there is potential, if its a dead end, well WHO CARES! Go for it! enjoy the ride! because you never want to look back and wonder “what if”. Whats the worst that could happen? a heartbreak? Oh honey those are inevitable! so fall in love many times even if its just for one night 🙂

 

“It is a travesty when two hearts, at different intervals in life, find each other. And although they would otherwise be perfect for each other, they can’t be together, for the timing isn’t right.”

Love you all,

-A

Reject.

Published May 4, 2016 by filterless1616

Why is rejection so hard on a person? Have you ever stopped and wondered why the opinion of another human even matters? Speaking for myself, rejection is always so hard me. It doesn’t matter if the rejection is coming from a man (in the romantic aspect), a new friendship, a new career I really wanted, it all sucks equally. They say rejections is “God’s way of saying wrong way”. Well “they” say a lot of shit that doesn’t make life easier to handle. Yet we continue to strive for the acceptance of others, we push ourselves to accomplish more, we work so hard to prove we are good enough. Yet how many of us actually accept our selves for who we are? How many of us even like ourselves? I can say I don’t feel that way about myself all the time. I struggle too! Perfect example, today I received a call informing me that the job I had just interviewed for I did not get. Ouch. All I can say is Ouch. Ego bruised, self-esteem down a few notches. But why? See I’m an intelligent woman. When it comes to helping others via counseling and advice, I know my shit! I’m accountable, smart, driven, an independent worker, I have all the qualities that make me a good employee. Yet they still said “no”. So why is it that knowing my self worth I still find myself struggling to deal with the rejection? Simple- I AM HUMAN! and my need for acceptance and to prove I am smart enough and good enough never fails. But somewhere in the back of my mind I KNOW I am good enough. I am good enough for the job, the man, my kids, and most of all myself. Like everyone else, I struggle with the concept of self-acceptance too. A few months ago my therapist asked me to compile a list of things “I liked about myself” and my list consisted of one thing- I am smart. That was it, I then proceeded to write a list of things I didn’t like about myself (something she didn’t ask me to do, but self-criticism is easy). There were 17 things on that list. See, I didn’t see it then but I see it now, my list should have been 17 things I like about myself and one thing that I don’t. My self-worth was ZERO! Since then I have found more things to add on my list and i’ve been able to remove things off the other self hating list. And that’s what life is dear readers, Its a series of plus’s and minuses. Up’s and Down’s, highs and lows. The point of this is, the more we accept ourselves the less the opinions of others will dictate our self worth. I mean can you imagine, If I let the actions of my ex determine my self worth? I’ve let that happen before, and the only place it got me was severely depressed, borderline suicidal, and a raging anxiety problem, not too mention tons of medication. My climb up from rock bottom? Like i’ve said in my past blogs, it was anything but pretty! But like all other goals I have been able to achieve, self-acceptance and self-love is something else I strive for daily. And thanks to a great group of friends and a great therapist, I learn to like myself more and more everyday. I learn to be kind to myself, because  the world isn’t always kind, I also learn to cut myself some slack! To freely say “I fuck up” and “so the fuck what?!” And so should you dear reader, so should you. See you are unique in all your ways, and that’s what makes you amazing! So I leave you with this:

“The most dangerous woman of  all is the one who refuses to rely on your sword to save her, Because she carries her OWN”

Love you all,

-A