Love is such a complicated emotion, of course most of you know this already. For me it’s learning to accept how love changes with time. For almost 10 years of my life I loved my husband. I was there for him through good times and bad times, I never cheated on him, I never so much as entertained the idea of it. And after forming a family, buying a home, and making plans for a third child, I find out he was having an affair. Needless to say I was heartbroken, and that may be an understatement. See what I found out during marriage counseling was that it wasn’t his first affair. He had began cheating around the three year mark. His view on it was simple, and like he stated “I just assumed that as long as I was a good husband and took care of my family what she didn’t know wouldn’t hurt her.” Oh D….. but it did. It hurt me to the point where I swore up and down I wanted to die. And now as time has passed and I have found a different type of love, the kind that is safe, and nurturing, and honest. See I never stopped loving him, only its different now. While I can be in his presence and enjoy time and memories with him and my kids, I no longer long for him. I don’t find myself missing him anymore, and often times when I am around him I miss the man who has shown me that love can be real. A man who clearly deserves more than a woman who cares about two men so deeply, even if it’s different. Maybe its guilt that I feel still caring about a man who put me through so much hell and left me so broken. Yet, he is a great father to my boys, and how do you learn to hate someone who makes your children so happy? you don’t. It’s like asking me to hate the sound of my little ones laughter, or the faces they make when they are angry. He is embedded in each movement they make, his presence will never fade. The best thing I have done is learn to live without him, something I never thought was possible. And while I love D like a good friend, like someone I have been through hell and back with, or as I call him “my ride or die” That chapter in our life has ended. And although I do not know what the rest of my life looks like, what I do know is that it is possible to love more than one man at the same time. For me, Well I guess I love four of them, two little ones that give me reason to keep going when the lord knows I want to give up. One who has loved me, and hurt me, and supported me, and made me want to kill him, and who finds great joy in the friendship we have developed. And lastly the one who has shown me what love can actually look like, when someone is kind, and loving, and dedicated. He is that man where I find safety, he has the ability to silence my thoughts, he also has the ability to make me feel again. Something both strange and scary at the same time. In the end, my life revolves around four men. Two I can live without if I had to, and two I couldn’t possibly fathom taking a single breath without.
“Is it possible to love more than one person at a time?” I asked.
“of course,” she replied. “Just not with the same intensity, they don’t tell you that because it scares them shitless.”
“see, love is an energy thing.”
Love you all,