Sometimes you just gotta get your fucking halo dirty!

Published April 10, 2016 by filterless1616

Anger. Lets talk about it. Not the average “my kids are driving me crazy, my husband is being a jerk, my boss is a dick” but real anger. The stuff that makes you see all red. The dark shit. The part of your humanly brain that knows no logic. Today the universe decided to exceed the level of any available medication I could be prescribed. Today my path was crossed with “her”.  By her I mean the filthy slut that helped destroy what was once my family. And as I sat on the beach today and enjoyed my view, I was drawn to look behind me and there she was. Sitting in a chair, smiling, taking a selfie of her disgusting, overweight, over used self. And for the next few minutes all I saw was red. That inner animal was awakened, the one that was out for blood. All I wanted was revenge! I wanted to see her hurt, physically hurt. Maybe then she would understand what she did to my family. Not to say D was innocent, NOT AT ALL! Fuck him too, six ways to Sunday. But there she was, after a year of torturous Facebook messages she would send to me, after countless insults on her behalf to me, there she was. And all I could think about was how badly I wanted to kill her. Her saving grace today was E. He got me off that beach before I did something incredibly stupid. Satisfying. But stupid. However; in those moments I learned something about myself, or maybe all humans. We are all capable of committing horrible acts. And in my case, who could blame me? She played a part in my family falling apart. What kind of woman knowing destroys a family? What kind of woman tortures someones wife who is so broken already? the answer- Trash. Clearly someone so desperate and lonely that she rather have someones husband part time than to be alone. A sad human being, and why sugar coat it? a whore. And today I found myself at a crossroads, the urge for vengeance was very much present but in brief glimpses so was the knowledge that this act of hurting her would cost me everything I have worked so hard for. The very thing that separates street garbage like her and a woman like myself. Fighting with the darkest parts of yourself is so difficult but as I learned today, its possible. You see, I cant pay for his mistakes. I wont pay for his mistakes. Anger- this is also a stage of grief. And while I continue through my grieving process I am learning more and more about myself. I am learning that I am more important! I am worth more than what has happened to me. I deserve more, I will have more. I cannot be defined by his mistakes or her whoreish actions. I should be defined by who I am today. The person I have become isn’t someone I recognize always, but I’m learning to like her more and more everyday. For she is less naive, smarter, tougher, stronger, she is a fighter. She is a survivor because at one point she had no other choice! The cards I was dealt weren’t pretty, But I have made the best of them.So today I learned something new about myself, I learned that I have so much anger that I was capable of doing something foolish. I also learned that somewhere down inside I am better than that. So maybe this time I don’t take matters into my own hands and hope that karma sorts things out for me. My message to you readers is, don’t be like me today. Be stronger, be more logical. I leave you with this:

” Someday, we’ll forget the hurt, the reason we cried and who caused us pain. We will finally realize that the secret of being free is not revenge, but letting things unfold in their own way and own time. After all, WHAT MATTERS IS NOT THE FIRST, BUT THE LAST CHAPTER OF OUR LIFE WHICH SHOWS HOW WELL WE RAN THE RACE!”

Love you all,
A

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