Hello loyal subscribers!! I know, I know, Its been an entire year since my last post. So much to update on, so much has changed. Lets do a quick recap: D and I never worked things out, instead I filed for divorce in November. And while the road with him has been anything but easy we have come so far. Grieving the loss of someone can come in many forms, Sometimes we grieve the loss of the hopes and dreams we had with someone. The images in our head for us and our children, the way life was supposed to be…..but isn’t. They say grief is the price we pay for love, they couldn’t be more right. It has been a long year of countless fights, tears, name calling, hard feelings, hurt, and anger. So much anger. But like all else the tides of life will eventually shift, the fog clears and so does our heart and mind. As it stands now D and I have a pretty good relationship when it comes to our children. He is a man I have grown to love and appreciate only from a distance now. He will always be someone I consider a friend, a confidant, and most of all he will always be the father of my kids. And while our lives have taken us in different directions I will always remain his biggest cheerleader as he remains mine. Co-Dependency made up my sole identity while I was with D. I found myself caring more about his well being than my own at times, excusing his mistakes.Worrying about his drinking, mental health, impulsive irresponsible actions. . PTSD… another beast. There were times in our marriage where I was fighting harder for him to stay alive than he was. Hurt, pain, helplessness, those were my three main feelings during out last year of marriage. Why did I do it? the answer is simple, Love. The man gave me a ring, and I gave him my word. My word that I would be his everything when he had nothing. That I would care for him in sickness and in health. That I would love him unconditionally. And for almost ten years I did just that, I held my end of the bargain. Only he didn’t. What most people don’t tell you but I will is that when a relationship like this ends it leaves you empty. How do we have anything left to care for ourselves when we have spent every ounce of love on someone else? We walk around feeling like empty shells, unimportant, unloved, broken, we become broken people. So what next? do we remain broken forever? HELL NO! you get back up that one last time! Only this time you learn to stand on your own. You learn to be stronger, maybe a bit more cold but that’s ok. The world is a tough place darling, but so are you!! So you get up and you begin to move forward, may it be finding new love, friends, or in my case a great therapist. But you begin to fix your broken pieces one by one until one day you don’t feel so damaged. Faith- faith is the belief in something more than what you know. and lastly Hope- hold on to that.
“You wake up every morning to fight the same demons that left you so tired the night before,
and that, my love,
-Love you all