Un-Divorced!? What?!

“Lord why do you hate me?!” There are the words I have been screaming for the last four days. As most of you know, my life for the last two years has been such a shit show its almost become a comedy. So let me fill you in on the newest chapter of my fucked up life! I walk into court Monday morning, the day my divorce was to be finalized or at the very least I was waiting for the judge to say “Well Mrs. L you are officially free from that douche bag, lying, dirty cheater! you may close the door to that chapter and move on!!” I’ve been waiting for those sweet words for 5 months! So I get there ready to be a free woman and instead I get…… “So sorry to inform you Mrs. L but you will have to re-serve Mr.L and re-petition the court for your divorce. Due to the residence Mr.L was living in the court cannot validate he was served properly.” (Among a few other details I cant disclose out of respect for Mr.L) So yeah… Basically have a nice day, and go fuck yourself, divorce denied. Gee thanks world! Can a bitch catch a break? At this rate i’ll be married until I hit menopause, or worse until I’m on my death bed. I shall die a woman legally bound to a man who doesn’t deserve to utter my name! And while I love him so, DAMN I just want to be a FREE woman! So I sit here thinking to myself…. what is gods plan? Or is he just bored and i’m like his little character in the Sims. I’m so close to winning the game and he’s like “nah bitch. lets re-start!” I mean why? why god why? what the hell did I ever do to you? I’m a good girl with a few bad habits i’m sure, but I’ve never killed anyone! As of now I find myself compiling a list, so when I get to meet my maker I can ask:

“Dear god, What in the fuck-a-licious Fuck?” ┬áThat basically sums up all the questions I have for him.

So today I am still a married woman, emotionally divorced, and at heart… a widow. If this is how my dirty 30 begins, I’m scared of the rest of the year. So dear Lord, Can you cut a bitch some slack? maybe? just a bit? Maybe the moral of the story for me right now is faith…. Have faith that the plan is so much bigger than I can even imagine. And continue to be happy, Because that’s one thing I refuse to give up! I love my happy!

I leave you with this my dear readers:

“Experience taught her. Hurt raised her. BUT NEITHER DEFINED HER!”

LOVE YOU ALL,

-A

(Thank you to my favorite intern in the entire world for the title of this post! Love you B. p.s- shes single and beautiful, and in great shape, and needs a really good man in her life. serious inquiries only! send picture ­čśë sorry B, I had to!)

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Is it possible to love two people at once? yes.

Love is such a complicated emotion, of course most of you know this already. For me it’s learning to accept how love changes with time. For almost 10 years of my life I loved my husband. I was there for him through good times and bad times, I never cheated on him, I never so much as entertained the idea of it. And after forming a family, buying a home, and making ┬áplans for a third child, I find out he was having an affair. Needless to say I was heartbroken, and that may be an understatement. See what I found out during marriage counseling was that it wasn’t his first affair. He had began cheating around the three year mark. His view on it was simple, and like he stated “I just assumed that as long as I was a good husband and took care of my family what she didn’t know wouldn’t hurt her.” Oh D….. but it did. It hurt me to the point where I swore up and down I wanted to die. And now as time has passed and I have found a different type of love, the kind that is safe, and nurturing, and honest. See I never stopped loving him, only its different now. While I can be in his presence and enjoy time and memories with him and my kids, I no longer long for him. I don’t find myself missing him anymore, and often times when I am around him I miss the man who has shown me that love can be real. A man who clearly deserves more than a woman who cares about two men so deeply, even if it’s different. Maybe its guilt that I feel still caring about a man who put me through so much hell and left me so broken. Yet, he is a great father to my boys, and how do you learn to hate someone who makes your children so happy? you don’t. It’s like asking me to hate the sound of my little ones laughter, or the faces they make when they are angry. He is embedded in each movement they make, his presence will never fade. The best thing I have done is learn to live without him, something I never thought was possible. And while I love D like a good friend, like someone I have been through hell and back with, or as I call him “my ride or die” That chapter in our life has ended. And although I do not know what the rest of my life looks like, what I do know is that it is possible to love more than one man at the same time. For me, Well I guess I love four of them, two little ones that give me reason to keep going when the lord knows I want to give up. One who has loved me, and hurt me, and supported me, and made me want to kill him, and who finds great joy in the friendship we have developed. And lastly the one who has shown me what love can actually look like, when someone is kind, and loving, and dedicated. He is that man where I find safety, he has the ability to silence my thoughts, he also has the ability to make me feel again. Something both strange and scary at the same time. In the end, my life revolves around four men. Two I can live without if I had to, and two I couldn’t possibly fathom taking a single breath without.

“Is it possible to love more than one person at a time?” I asked.

“of course,” she replied. “Just not with the same intensity, they don’t tell you that because it scares them shitless.”

“see, love is an energy thing.”

 

Love you all,

-A

 

 

Why men are like breakfast food!

Ever sit and wonder why some women love pancakes? waffles? french toast? eggs? omelets? Well if you have, then you know women are confusing as hell! but if we understand one thing, its FOOD! women love food! we turn to food when we are happy, sad, depressed, after a break up, after an accomplishment. You know what else women turn to just like we do food? MEN!  yes, ladies some of you may have just figured out where I’m going with this. How many of us like pancakes? I love me some pancakes…. sometimes in the morning, sometimes late at night. You know what else I’ve loved like I love pancakes? a fuck boy. Now if you know a thing about fuck boys you know they aren’t “real men” I’m about 99% sure they are even made differently, the come from pre-cum. But how many of us don’t like to indulge in a pancake every now and then. We are smart women we know there is no substance in a pancake. Empty carbs, they leave you feeling fat, full, tired, they begin to mess with your self image, eventually your self worth. You see pancakes although good for comfort aren’t good for the soul. There is no substance in them. They are just that. Empty. For those of us that know anything about nutrition we know protein is good for us! Eggs, omelets, something with substance! we also know that making a fancy omelet is so much more work than a cheap quick pancake. Hell you can buy frozen pancakes now in days, 30 seconds and bam you have yourself a quick and easy fuck boy… I meant pancake. But why is it that when we look at a good man, a man with integrity, love, good character. We see a very complicated omelet! so we prefer the pancake. Yet we should be striving to obtain these good men! But ladies if there is one thing we should all keep in mind is nothing good in life comes that easy! Sure the omelet is harder, but aren’t you worth something better than a crappy pancake? If you find yourself in a place in life where the timing isn’t right for eggs, that’s ok too. Indulge in your pancakes! Just remember, you can love on them all you want but only for a night. And when the timing is right I hope you find your perfect breakfast food! Speaking for myself I’ve come to learn that having the right balance of eggs with a pancake on the side is very satisfying. So live your life ladies! live it! love it! be free! and never be ashamed for owning your love of breakfast!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“THE END”

“I don’t know what to say,” he said

“It’s ok,” she replied. “I know what we are- and I know what we are not.”

 

Love you all,

-A

(Thank you love, for the inspiration about breakfast today XOXO)

 

Sometimes you just gotta get your fucking halo dirty!

Anger. Lets talk about it. Not the average “my kids are driving me crazy, my husband is being a jerk, my boss is a dick” but real anger. The stuff that makes you see all red. The dark shit. The part of your humanly brain that knows no logic. Today the universe decided to exceed the level of any available medication I could be prescribed. Today my path was crossed with “her”. ┬áBy her I mean the filthy slut that helped destroy what was once my family. And as I sat on the beach today and enjoyed my view, I was drawn to look behind me and there she was. Sitting in a chair, smiling, taking a selfie of her disgusting, overweight, over used self. And for the next few minutes all I saw was red. That inner animal was awakened, the one that was out for blood. All I wanted was revenge! I wanted to see her hurt, physically hurt. Maybe then she would understand what she did to my family. Not to say D was innocent, NOT AT ALL! Fuck him too, six ways to Sunday. But there she was, after a year of torturous Facebook messages she would send to me, after countless insults on her behalf to me, there she was. And all I could think about was how badly I wanted to kill her. Her saving grace today was E. He got me off that beach before I did something incredibly stupid. Satisfying. But stupid. However; in those moments I learned something about myself, or maybe all humans. We are all capable of committing horrible acts. And in my case, who could blame me? She played a part in my family falling apart. What kind of woman knowing destroys a family? What kind of woman tortures someones wife who is so broken already? the answer- Trash. Clearly someone so desperate and lonely that she rather have someones husband part time than to be alone. A sad human being, and why sugar coat it? a whore. And today I found myself at a crossroads, the urge for vengeance was very much present but in brief glimpses so was the knowledge that this act of hurting her would cost me everything I have worked so hard for. The very thing that separates street garbage like her and a woman like myself. Fighting with the darkest parts of yourself is so difficult but as I learned today, its possible. You see, I cant pay for his mistakes. I wont pay for his mistakes. Anger- this is also a stage of grief. And while I continue through my grieving process I am learning more and more about myself. I am learning that I am more important! I am worth more than what has happened to me. I deserve more, I will have more. I cannot be defined by his mistakes or her whoreish actions. I should be defined by who I am today. The person I have become isn’t someone I recognize always, but I’m learning to like her more and more everyday. For she is less naive, smarter, tougher, stronger, she is a fighter. She is a survivor because at one point she had no other choice! The cards I was dealt weren’t pretty, But I have made the best of them.So today I learned something new about myself, I learned that I have so much anger that I was capable of doing something foolish. I also learned that somewhere down inside I am better than that. So maybe this time I don’t take matters into my own hands and hope that karma sorts things out for me. My message to you readers is, don’t be like me today. Be stronger, be more logical. I leave you with this:

” Someday, we’ll forget the hurt, the reason we cried and who caused us pain. We will finally realize that the secret of being free is not revenge, but letting things unfold in their own way and own time. After all, WHAT MATTERS IS NOT THE FIRST, BUT THE LAST CHAPTER OF OUR LIFE WHICH SHOWS HOW WELL WE RAN THE RACE!”

Love you all,
A

Fall seven times, Stand up eight!

Hello loyal subscribers!! I know, I know, Its been an entire year since my last post. So much to update on, so much has changed. Lets do a quick recap: D and I never worked things out, instead I filed for divorce in November. And while the road with him has been anything but easy we have come so far. Grieving the loss of someone can come in many forms, Sometimes we grieve the loss of the hopes and dreams we had with someone. The images in our head for us and our children, the way life was supposed to be…..but isn’t. They say grief is the price we pay for love, they couldn’t be more right. It has been a long year of countless fights, tears, name calling, hard feelings, hurt, and anger. So much anger. But like all else the tides of life will eventually shift, the fog clears and so does our heart and mind. As it stands now D and I have a pretty good relationship when it comes to our children. He is a man I have grown to love and appreciate only from a distance now. He will always be someone I consider a friend, a confidant, and most of all he will always be the father of my kids. And while our lives have taken us in different directions I will always remain his biggest cheerleader as he remains mine. Co-Dependency made up my sole identity while I was with D. I found myself caring more about his well being than my own at times, excusing his mistakes.Worrying about his drinking, mental health, impulsive irresponsible actions. . PTSD… another beast. ┬áThere were times in our marriage where I was fighting harder for him to stay alive than he was. Hurt, pain, helplessness, those were my three main feelings during out last year of marriage. Why did I do it? the answer is simple, Love. The man gave me a ring, and I gave him my word. My word that I would be his everything when he had nothing. That I would care for him in sickness and in health. That I would love him unconditionally. And for almost ten years I did just that, I held my end of the bargain. Only he didn’t. What most people don’t tell you but I will is that when a relationship like this ends it leaves you empty. How do we have anything left to care for ourselves when we have spent every ounce of love on someone else? We walk around feeling like empty shells, unimportant, unloved, broken, we become broken people. So what next? do we remain broken forever? HELL NO! you get back up that one last time! Only this time you learn to stand on your own. You learn to be stronger, maybe a bit more cold but that’s ok. The world is a tough place darling, but so are you!! So you get up and you begin to move forward, may it be finding new love, friends, or in my case a great therapist. But you begin to fix your broken pieces one by one until one day you don’t feel so damaged. Faith- faith is the belief in something more than what you know. and lastly Hope- hold on to that.

“You wake up every morning to fight the same demons that left you so tired the night before,

and that, my love,

Is bravery.”

-Love you all

A