Its interesting how a month can go by so quickly, that’s how long its been since my last blog. The last month is really a blur of sleepless nights, over-slept days, heart ache and depression. Also known as grieving. Last night a part of me came back to life, sitting with one of my greatest friends of all times, a woman who has been more than just a friend she has become a mentor, a 2nd mother and always sunshine in my often times gloomy life.
Last night I was able to take a look back and reflect on 2014, which will possibly go down as the worst year of my life. As she made me reflect back on the horrible year I had…. a year full of lies, deceit, heartache, and loss, she brought up a wonderful point: I AM STILL ALIVE!
I have somehow continued to move forward in life. What I was able to see for the first time with absolute clarity was the amount of strength that a woman can posses. Hitting rock bottom wasn’t difficult, it happened, I became a person that I couldn’t recognize most of the time. My actions were nothing near those of a woman that I wanted to be. What I see now is that those actions weren’t rock bottom, rock bottom was me locked in my bedroom for most of my days, blocking out the sun, life, sometimes even my kids. Rock bottom was a psychical pain so huge in my heart that at times I knew for a fact my heart would stop beating because there was no way anything could hurt so bad. The mess of a woman and my poor decisions that I made were not rock bottom, they were the climb up from rock bottom. The re-awakening of my soul was anything but pretty…. Looking back its often hard to watch. BUT gathering yourself and your dignity after seeing the darkest parts of life wont ever be pretty. But they will be worth it, if there is anything I can pass forward to any of my 871 blog followers/readers is that. Rising up from the ashes isn’t pretty, its actually horrific…. like watching an injured human or animal fighting for basic survival. At the time the choices I made to survive were just that, I was in survival mode. For the first time one exact year I can say, I love the woman I have become. The good, the bad, and the ugly, I have learned to love every part of her. For I am a fighter, I am a badass, I am as my friends would say A BOSS BITCH! I call my shots, I decide my life. And just like all my friends gave me so much hope and love at times when the lord knows I wasn’t lovable I believe that all I can do is pass it forward. So my message to you dear readers is this, never forget how fragile our hearts are, never take another humans life and emotions for granted. And most of all never allow yourself to be anything but humble. Accept all positive things and people into your life with absolute gratitude. Be grateful for every sunrise and every sunset, be grateful for all those that love us when we know we don’t always deserve it. And most of all learn to carry yourself in such a way where dignity and pride makeup every part of your being, and most of all love. Learn to love yourself, learn to love others, and always strive for greatness.
I love you all,
“Healers are spiritual warriors who have found the courage to defeat the darkness of their souls.
Awakening and rising from the depths of thier deepest fears, like a Phoenix rising from the ashes. Reborn with a wisdom and strength that creats a light that shines bright enough to help, encourage, and ispire others out of their own darkness”