You can’t keep dancing with the devil and then wonder why you’re still in HELL!

Mistakes. We all make them, I have become the queen of them recently. I allowed my sense of panic, of worry, of stress, to allow me to turn to the one distraction I need to stay away from. Him. It seems as if the panic of entertaining the thought of working things out after this long, made me turn to him. Not an excuse, not something I’m proud of, but these are my mistakes, my struggles, my dark places. Most of us would be too worried about putting something like this out to the world. But I am choosing to embrace my mistakes for what they are. I turned to another very familiar man, to help cover up the confusion and emotional heartache I was feeling. Why? because lord knows he is the best distraction that I have. There is something about his presence that makes things so easy and uncomplicated, my entire life seems to be non-existent. For those hours, he is the only one I see. So to come clean to him and let him know that there is a possibility that I may decide to work things out with D, well the look on his face cut me deeper than I thought. Listening to him say ” He didn’t even know that was a possibility and he knows he isn’t helping the situation and he doesn’t want to be the reason it doesn’t work out” well it just reminded me of the type of man he is. One who through the last six months has gained my respect and love as a person, someone I could consider a friend. Someone who I will miss so dearly the day he is officially out of my life. But this is me, miss goodie-two shoes who never seems to fuck up. The loyal, understanding, patient, loving wife and mother….. admitting that I fucked up. So what did I decide to do? Came clean to D about my wrong doing, maybe it was self sabotage. Maybe I knew I would come clean and had hopes that he would tell me there was no way we would “try” then the decision is off my hands. I took the cowardly easy way out. So when I came clean to him today and his response was “So? don’t apologize for your choices, that boy isn’t even on my radar, he’s no one, he doesn’t exist. From the moment we mutually agree to try, then it matters. So think about what you want” Well that solved my problem…..NOT! it left me with the same questions in mind, sometimes being an adult sucks!! A few blogs ago I wrote about how there are so many times when I don’t recognize who I am as a person, this is the perfect example of that! Actions such as these would never ever belong to me, but I did them. I am guilty of irresponsible, selfish, hurtful actions. I own them, and if both him and D chose to tell me to go fuck myself, well I wouldn’t blame them. For now I will continue to do the best that I can. I will continue to not apologize for how I chose to survive.

” We’re all in the same game;

just different levels.

Dealing with the same hell;

just different devils”


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