Baby steps right? tip-toe if you must but at least move forward….. I would say my life is currently at a crossroads I didn’t really see coming. After being and going through the struggles of separation for 10months, the decision comes down to finalizing everything. The point where shit gets real and two people who have hurt each other more than words can say have to look at each other and know its over. Sign on the line…. or don’t. The moment that is easy right? the final nail in the coffin, this is when we toss almost ten years out the window and never look back. Except for the fact that neither of us can. We have spent the last 48 hours contemplating if there is anything we can do to salvage the last 10 years. Its clear neither of us seems to be able to take the final step to end it all, so what does one do with that? The confusion is more than I can bare at this time. I guess this is the place where I let it out, the real feelings behind it all. I’m scared that to try again will only mean a train wreck of events, but to not try at all means the never knowing if my kids could have had the chance of being from a united home. I suppose I shall run with this like I do all else, and see where it leads. However; I shall follow his lead, because lord knows I will not put in one ounce of effort more than he is willing to. Those days are long gone, I wont fight for something that isn’t worth fighting for anymore. I have learned that happiness is obtainable alone or with someone else. I am capable of having those feelings even without him. So this is where my new journey begins…. Trying to pick up what ever shattered pieces are left and trying to see what we can or cant put back together. For now my biggest fear is lack of love, I am in a place where I can honestly say…. I don’t even know if I still love the man I married so many years ago. I may have fallen out of love, or I may be numb as a way of self protection. The more walls I put up, the harder it is to feel pain. This works…. but only for so long, so here goes nothing.
” Grab a plate and throw it on the ground.
Did it break?
Now say sorry to it.
Did it go back to the way it was before?
Do you understand?”