Mistakes. We all make them, I have become the queen of them recently. I allowed my sense of panic, of worry, of stress, to allow me to turn to the one distraction I need to stay away from. Him. It seems as if the panic of entertaining the thought of working things out after this long, made me turn to him. Not an excuse, not something I’m proud of, but these are my mistakes, my struggles, my dark places. Most of us would be too worried about putting something like this out to the world. But I am choosing to embrace my mistakes for what they are. I turned to another very familiar man, to help cover up the confusion and emotional heartache I was feeling. Why? because lord knows he is the best distraction that I have. There is something about his presence that makes things so easy and uncomplicated, my entire life seems to be non-existent. For those hours, he is the only one I see. So to come clean to him and let him know that there is a possibility that I may decide to work things out with D, well the look on his face cut me deeper than I thought. Listening to him say ” He didn’t even know that was a possibility and he knows he isn’t helping the situation and he doesn’t want to be the reason it doesn’t work out” well it just reminded me of the type of man he is. One who through the last six months has gained my respect and love as a person, someone I could consider a friend. Someone who I will miss so dearly the day he is officially out of my life. But this is me, miss goodie-two shoes who never seems to fuck up. The loyal, understanding, patient, loving wife and mother….. admitting that I fucked up. So what did I decide to do? Came clean to D about my wrong doing, maybe it was self sabotage. Maybe I knew I would come clean and had hopes that he would tell me there was no way we would “try” then the decision is off my hands. I took the cowardly easy way out. So when I came clean to him today and his response was “So? don’t apologize for your choices, that boy isn’t even on my radar, he’s no one, he doesn’t exist. From the moment we mutually agree to try, then it matters. So think about what you want” Well that solved my problem…..NOT! it left me with the same questions in mind, sometimes being an adult sucks!! A few blogs ago I wrote about how there are so many times when I don’t recognize who I am as a person, this is the perfect example of that! Actions such as these would never ever belong to me, but I did them. I am guilty of irresponsible, selfish, hurtful actions. I own them, and if both him and D chose to tell me to go fuck myself, well I wouldn’t blame them. For now I will continue to do the best that I can. I will continue to not apologize for how I chose to survive.
” We’re all in the same game;
just different levels.
Dealing with the same hell;
just different devils”
Baby steps right? tip-toe if you must but at least move forward….. I would say my life is currently at a crossroads I didn’t really see coming. After being and going through the struggles of separation for 10months, the decision comes down to finalizing everything. The point where shit gets real and two people who have hurt each other more than words can say have to look at each other and know its over. Sign on the line…. or don’t. The moment that is easy right? the final nail in the coffin, this is when we toss almost ten years out the window and never look back. Except for the fact that neither of us can. We have spent the last 48 hours contemplating if there is anything we can do to salvage the last 10 years. Its clear neither of us seems to be able to take the final step to end it all, so what does one do with that? The confusion is more than I can bare at this time. I guess this is the place where I let it out, the real feelings behind it all. I’m scared that to try again will only mean a train wreck of events, but to not try at all means the never knowing if my kids could have had the chance of being from a united home. I suppose I shall run with this like I do all else, and see where it leads. However; I shall follow his lead, because lord knows I will not put in one ounce of effort more than he is willing to. Those days are long gone, I wont fight for something that isn’t worth fighting for anymore. I have learned that happiness is obtainable alone or with someone else. I am capable of having those feelings even without him. So this is where my new journey begins…. Trying to pick up what ever shattered pieces are left and trying to see what we can or cant put back together. For now my biggest fear is lack of love, I am in a place where I can honestly say…. I don’t even know if I still love the man I married so many years ago. I may have fallen out of love, or I may be numb as a way of self protection. The more walls I put up, the harder it is to feel pain. This works…. but only for so long, so here goes nothing.
” Grab a plate and throw it on the ground.
Did it break?
Now say sorry to it.
Did it go back to the way it was before?
Do you understand?”
It has been said that god doesn’t give us who we want in life but who we need. As the months keep passing I learn that this is very true. Hard times also reveal who our true friends are, what I have learned is they tend to be the ones free of judgment but quick to call me on my shit. Its also interesting how the universe draws in new people that you would have never known even existed. People who have gone through the same struggle that I am going through, people that in many ways give me hope. Simply because if they lived through the same heartache what’s to say I cant? What’s to say I wont heal from this and find inner peace one day. Its as simple as accepting what the universe throws our way, may it be an old friend who comes back into your life, or a random Facebook request from a stranger you never knew existed. We all find our friendships and strengths in the places we least expect them to be, but that is the beauty of this tragic life. If god can take someone from us we never dreamed of loosing, that also means he can replace them with someone we never imagined having. That could be a new man, but in my case its building a solid foundation of friends that give me strength when I need it most. The people who accept me for my wild, crazy, outspoken self, cause if you can’t love me at my worst, you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.